Friday, November 14, 2008

who gets the kendo stick...

welcome back to your weekly edition of passive aggresive violence towards all the little things in life. there's always the question of who/what is worthy of the this honorable stick beating. that leggy blonde you smiled at the crosswalk yesterday who didn't return the favor. you had broccoli in your teeth, you pissrope. she is not worthy of the beating, but your lack of oral hygiene certainly is. that sandwich you ordered the other day where the salami was dry and they put yellow mustard on instead of the dijon you clearly wrote down on your order. abso-pop tart-fucking-lutely. wear that inadequately prepared deli sando out with your hate welded kendo stick. so now that these biased lines are clearly drawn, let justice be served.

left hand turns- are you fucking kidding me? how is anyone suppose to travel in this world when left hand turns are hindering us from returning movies and obtaining coffee. there's certain streets i just completely avoid knowing that ill be sitting there with my head on a swivel praying that a loving god is initializing a red light 2 miles away. and there's always someone behind you geting irritated that you're too much of a yeast infection to shoot that gap inbetween suv's that would of resulted in massive vehicle carnage. would it be too much for you to install a stop light? four way stop? drawbridge? the real problem here is americas lack of flying cars. at least hummer is still manufacturing non-flying new vehicles. hawk fuckers.

ingrown pubic hairs- are you gay if you're a male who shaves his pubes? yes, yes you are. unless you're attempting to compensate for a very unimpressive penis, which i am. keeping the hedges trimmed adds 30% to your size. its fact. not medical fact but fact all the same. the issue though is ingrown hairs. they are the pain equivalent of placing your balls hot plate and smashing them with a croquet mallet while viewing zach braffs performance in "the ex". when it comes to sexy time with a lady its just a lost cause. is it a zit? a cyst? a boil? lets just call it what it really is, a "there's no chance in hell that this broad is going to give you head freckle". FACED! this kendo sticks for you ingrown pubic hair. grow outwards instead of inwards. stop copying my emotional growth. FACED! another kendo stick for charles grodin wasting his genius on the movie "the ex". you're better than that charlie. now go make beethoven 8.

halloween parties- my goodness you suck. its bad enough this pagan festival is celebrated with more enthiusiasm than some of the less renowned holidays like "arbor day" or "national drink a handle of gin and vomit in your neighbors driveway day". but its the costumes that kill me. why is it every girl uses this as an excuse to be a sexy "insert random character here". oh you're a sexy bumble bee? a sexy nurse? no, you're a slut who doesn't have the confidence to wear fitting clothes the other 364 days a year. why can't guys get away with this. hey, look at me! I'm a sexy rapist. I'm a sexy blow job recipient enthiusiast. what are you? I'm a sexy narcoleptic with obsessive compulsive disorder and no job. for some reason it doesn't work the same, and that's just sexist, not sexy. and when you're at a halloween party, odds are you're on a massive reeses peanut butter cup high and a flask of whiskey deep. my vision is already foggy so how am i suppose to know if the sexy girl scout I'm dancing with is even sexy? you don't. it can translate into an awkward november 1st when the sexy hooker you took home actually turns out to be a hooker. lets just hope shell accept payment in hersheys minatures and loose candy corn. i dressed up as a lebanese discotech owner. nothing sexy about that. FACED! to hell with you halloween, see you next year in my sexy condom costume you hen-dicked holiday.

happy kendo stick thursday kids!

1 comment:

chase c hall said...

i couldn't agree more about the unprotected left turn and halloween. every time i'm trying to turn left on santa rosa while coming out of "conserve fuel" i always get this itching feeling of some asshole behind me wanting me to plummet to an untimely end, just so they can get to their destination a little quicker.