Wednesday, November 12, 2008

i kind of need to get drunk enough to punch a woman...

ever face this problem? i have the answer. its called taaka vodka.

the magic of unemployment is that it helps you explore the seedy underbelly of cheap alcohol. and there is nothing cheaper than taaka vodka. i mean third world country yearly income cheap. a half pint of this potion is $1.99 at the local corner store. don't bother trying to get this at a grocery store, there too proud for this devil water. only the sketchiest of bodegas will be carrying this. a whole 750 ml bottle is $5.99, and let me tell you, you will blacking out in no time. mix this shit with 99 cent watermelon arizona iced tea and youre in for the night of your night. now most people say vodka is a "queers" beverage, but you must own the hairiest set of prostitute choking balls to get down with this drink. majority of people say it tastes like nutrasweet added to rubbing alcohol. and 4 out of 5 poverty waged alcoholic minors can't be wrong. the problem with taaka is that you can drink it straight if needs be. when its ice cold it tastes like syrupy orgasms. when its room temp its still palatible and will have you falling down a flight of stairs in moments. it takes class to a new level. a buddy of mine has a "special" taaka martini recipe, it goes as follows:

taaka martini:

-1 pint glass
-6 ice cubes
-1 pint of taaka vodka
-2 olives

serve in the middle of a tuesday afternoon and text your ex-girlfriend.

I've tried it, its a can't miss recipe. few other clever taaka recipes I've invented that you can enjoy while downloading porn.

taaka white russian (aka, white christmas):

-1 highball glass (no ice)
-2 parts taaka vodka (room temp)
-1 part vanilla rice dream (room temp)

prepare upon waking up from hangover. drink while taking explosive 2 am jack in the box taco shits. be sure to not offer the girl in your bed one, because you dont remember her name.

first date punch:

-1/2 bottle of your favorite vitamin water
-fill remainder of bottle with taaka

nothing more nerve racking than a first date. what better way to calm the nerves than be sipping on a highly alcoholic beverage while learning a girls life story. you gotta get through that boring horseshit somehow. and she won't know the better, until you get home and can't get it up because you've been drinking bastard water all evening.

broad street blackeye:

-1 of the largest cups you have in your kitchen
-ice cube (optional)
-1 sparks alcoholic energy drink
-1 pint of taaka vodka
-splash of sprite
-splash of canadian mist whiskey

consume half. now show 3 hours late to a party with a blackeye and the loss of every and all motor skills. dance shirtless and be sure to fall every other song and scream at the dj about how awesome he is. wake up on floor of bedroom pantless with a vhs version of the 1993 robert redford classic "sneakers" playing on loop (sidney poitier is so badass).

taaka vodka; the classy drink for classy people who do classy things.

i definitely urge you to try this stuff. you won't be upset, but you might hate yourself.

see you tomorrow with the return of kendo stick thursday.

1 comment:

Her said...

Heh. Heh.
I think you write too much in your posts, and i can neeeever read whole ones, but this one was quite entertaining (at least for slurred recipes.)