im sure many of you have viewed the epic dvd box set known as planet earth. im curious as to whether upon the production of this cinematic marvel they took into the consideration of the direct effect the ownership of this set of dvds would have on the avid cannabis smokers of the world. "hmmm, how can i possibly make this bongload better? ice cubes in the bong. check. bag of smoked almonds. check. another half eighth of that club shit you bought off that guy you normally dont buy from cuz he always makes you hang out and watch some form of martial arts film and then you kind of sense that he knows youre lying to him when you tell him youre suppose to have dinner with your in-laws. (i kind of feel bad, but hes got the coolest names for his weed. do i desire to smoke something named "zanzibar rabbit", or "eye of the storm"? fuck and yes). check. arizona sweet iced tea tall can. check. hmmm, i feel like im missing something here. oh, 22 hours of the raw, indifferent and godless bitch known as mother nature at its best. check.
planet earth is a brilliant way to spend hours of fogging your braincells with some of the most brutal concepts of nature. it really gets you thinking sometimes about what if.... what if my cushy life of binge drinking, constant flossing and laundry were switched around to resemble a life that more of a wildebeest. its a fucked up life let me tell you that much.
wildebeests- so there you are, middle of the night, parched with thirst, get out of bed to get a bottle of water. FUCK! your roomate hurries downstairs to the gruesome visual of you being mauled by the souless, hate factory that is the crocodile. make you think twice next time you get a drink of water. but we should all be looking over our shoulders at public drinking fountains anyhow.
caribou- this would be a pretty shitcock existence. youre out for your morning jog, you have that feeling that someone is watching you. you cautiously scan your neighborhood, dont see anything. keep jogging, aiming for that prime cardio rhythm your doctor told you to strive for because your heart was beginning to look like a bacon wrapped croissant. yet some primal instinct tells you something is afoot. you turn around, whats that in the distance? you can see something, just standing still. SHIT! motherfuckin timberwolf, no more than a quarter mile away. its possible hes just out for a jog as well, i mean it is a beautiful morning and he would have just attacked if he wanted to. right? you continue jogging constantly looking over your shoulder, you can tell the timberwolf is now jogging as well and gaining distance on you, but he does just appear to be at a slight jaunt even, you dont want to stereotype him, just because a furry, canine jaws of death is slowly closing a distance between you and him on your morning jog doesnt mean he has ill intentions. you make it home safely. but you certainly lock the door behind you and start peering out the windows for the next few hours. timberwolves are badass-vin diesel-motherfuckers that way. theyll fuck with you just for the sake of fucking with you. and to eat you.
elephant- man your tired. that commute from work is just brutal. all you want to do is get in a nice warm bath, blast some post rock at a nerve damaging volume and eat 42 pounds of vegetation. and you know what, you can do that. because your the biggest goddamn land walking mammal on the planet, no one fucks with you. but what the hell is this as you pull up the driveway!? HOLY TITWAD! a pride of lions is posted up in your driveway. they look haggard, maybe theyre just religious solicitors and want to convince me to marry my sister or something. that has to be it, they wouldnt be here to eat me, im an elephant, no one eats me. ill just casually walk by them and say hello. nope. now youre dying the most brutal of deaths. slowly being devoured by a pride of starving lions. oh, its slow and shitty and you probably have a heart attack before any entrails are being spilled everywhere. being caught off guard like that is a bitch, but mother nature is a coldhearted ex girlfriend who gave your old bandmate a blowjob on your birthday.
lake flies- want to teach kids why they should have safe sex? because if youre a lake fly and you get a girl pregnant you die! you fucking die! that will teach you to keep the bologna in the sandwich. and same thing with praying manti. "did you hear? tex got drunk at that party the other night and hooked up with that kind of sketchy broad. no, not that same girl, her roomate. well, they found him the next morning, head bitten clean off." thats fucked up business. tree frogs rape their mates and then peace out immediately afterwards. mother nature must read a lot of brett easton ellis.
seals- so theres that killer burrito stand across the street from your house, and you are famished. but youve heard stories of how dangerous crossing that busy street can be at certain hours. some have crossed over there never to be seen again. but damn, you can taste that red snapper chimichanga already. im sure its worth a shot. look both ways, seems to be safe. "this isnt so bad, clearly there is no car in sight, this lunch is as good as mine. i should also get a side of rice, the rice there is the ja..." FACED! the giant-godless-mecha-fuckfest-killing machine known as the great white shark has quickly and most intensely ended your life. sucks to be a seal sometimes. well, unless your those ones that can play the trumpet at sea world and shit, those ones have it pretty well.
snow geese- "honey! im going to the store to get food for our lovely 8 children". of course you dont tell her that youre also going to an adult bookstore to hit up a spank booth. but a man has urges and after mating season the mrs. never seems to want to do it anymore. "honey! you wouldnt believe who i bumped into at the... Honey! Sugar Slots! where are you!!!???" unfortunately your question is soon answered. there lies the mangled body of your beloved wife and your children are nowhere to be found. only one person would be sly enough to pull off this kind of massacre. the ruthless arctic fox. but thats how it works out in the wild, step out for some groceries and quick tug, come back to find your entire family murdered by the cunning arctic fox. and since snow geese mate for life youre pretty much fucked from here on out. have fun with that pointless existence dickteeth. somehwere mr. fox is dining on the bodies of your children, that should comfort you out in the tundra.
so there you have it. the cruel world outside our comfy living rooms. how does one exist out in the wild? especially with no access to pot?