Saturday, November 8, 2008

just when you thought it was safe...

well, well, well.

its been a while comrades. you may ask where this asshole has been hibernating for the past 9 months. well, after the infamous brain malfunction i had in the winter of '08 i was ceremoniously laid off from my beloved accounting job. was i shocked? of course not, that place was bankrupt since the moment my under qualified ass walked in there. was the other 20% of the company that got laid off shocked?

other 20% of company- "didnt you see this coming tex? i mean, youre the one with all the financial information"

me- "bwahahahhahahahahahah. teeeeeehhheeeeeeee. (/wipes tear from right eye) bwahahhahahahah. ohohohohohohohoooo. whooooohahahah."

why was i laughing you ask? UNEMPLOYMENT MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

i knew what was coming to me. given the current financial situation what were the odds i was going to find another miserable accounting position? companies dont have any money to be accounted for. so i did what any red blooded american mid-20's cro magnon would do. accepted the fact i would be suckling the ripe, voluptuous, well shapen tit of california unemployment. upon emptying my desk under supervised gunpoint (assuming as to not steal any paperclips or finally taking that oh so desirable shit upon my supervisors desk) i two stepped out of the office forever straight to home. put on my beloved vintage brian downing angels jersey and strolled to the local bar and ordered the largest, most delicious glass of whiskey these lips have ever pounded. after that i rolled home, consumed a bottle of black label, a tombstone pizza and tried ordering a stripper off of craigslist. luckily (for i spent all my cash at the bar) i passed out before i could answer the returned call from what was suppose to be a 100 pound asian lady of the night appropriately named "lotus".

after that, i kind of lost the flame to write. i mean i wasnt getting paid to do it on someone elses time anymore. so what have i been doing to occupy my time? heres the short list: drinking, dancing, gambling, flossing, pornography viewing, dodger hating, walking, self indulging, napping, coughing, razor scootering, minor contributing, weapons grade plutonium manufacturing, laughing, erectile dysfunctioning, pouting, cobra vs. mongoose fighting, music writing, dinosaur slaying, mouth running, cutting, feverishly masturbating, not eating, party crashing, showering and farting on my sister.

its truly been a magical spring/summer/fall. but like all good things (breasts), the financial teet i have been nursing on for so long has grown dry and chapped. but luckily the result is the return of the blog that all 5 of you have come to cheer up your dickpunch days at your dickpunch jobs. whats to come you ask?
- the return of kendo stick thursday
- newer, cheaper and more vile alcohols and the effects they have
- my recent radio interview about my sexual deviancy
- disney characters i want to sleep with
- imagination cheeseburger (enticing just by the title isnt it?)
- and so much more...

its Quarter Life Crisis! now with less political savvy than ever!

No comments: