Thursday, January 24, 2008

who gets the kendo stick...

well, i have a semi valid excuse for lack of updates this week. ive been in and out of the hospital battling would-be aneurysms, brain swelling, meningitis, polio, ice cream headache, belspalsy, tennis elbow, elephantitis of the nut sack and blindness (and by blindness i mean severe coolness). however, through the heavy intravenous rush of painkillers ive been receiving it was brought to my attention that it is indeed kendo stick thursday. so heres my hospital/amazing how pathetic health care in america/why isnt there a single hot asian nurse edition of "who gets the kendo stick"

my brain- what the fuck is your problem? you like swelling like my junk in 9th grade math class huh? you like causing me pain equivalent to dane cook stand up? if you werent so evolutionally well protected in my skull i would toss you in front of a handsome cab and let the horse poop on you. and you know what? i dont care if this is being written by you. you think youre so badass because you control every functioning part of my body. you god complex having cocksucker. if youre so damn cool how about you control your swelling and protein output. FACED! this kendo sticks for you panther-fucker.

the cat scan machine- you know why you suck? because when i was carted into to see you i thought you were a time machine. you had all these cool lights and were making all these bitchin noises like "zeeee", "zerdleooo" and "tookle". i was so stoked, i asked the nurse to turn the settings to December 25th 1986. that was the xmas i got my first star wars action figure. i was going to go into the past, unwrap the gift, look my father square in the eye and say "so, are you making it a point that i never get laid? get me a fucking football old man and teach me how to tackle and nail cheerleaders". but no, cat scan machine didnt do any of that shit. it just continued to make cool noises and mock my un-athletic brain. but before i even take the first kendo swipe at you, you heartless non time traveling, built by the lowest bidder, plastic dream raper, im taking a swipe at the technician operating this piece of shit. he was wearing a "drowning pool" shirt under his scrubs, drowning pool fucking swallows. and im shocked to see that they used the drowning pool classic, "let the bodies hit the floor" for the new RAMBO trailer. fuck, everyone and everything is getting the kendo stick in the cat scan room.

my spinal tap- i dont think pain matters anymore, because the spinal tap stole any pure or untainted thoughts i had left. a three inch needle into my fucking spine!!! then slowly let fluids drip out of said needle!!! from this day forward i will never get a boner while spooning a girl again.

various amounts of painkillers ive been on for the past few days- just kidding, i love you guys. if i wasnt already an alcoholic i would totally consider becoming a p-k junkie. no kendo stick for you. FACED! but jimmy fallon gets one for making me watch that stupid fucking TAXI movie in the hospital the other night.

nurse who i thought was hot- what?! a guy on a morphine drip cant ask you out on a date? oh, youre seeing someone? well where is he? im here, im flesh and blood. true most of my blood is leaking somewhere out of my ears and ill never be able to operate chopsticks again, but hey! im right here. what do you mean you cant accept a tip? youre the only decent looking nurse in this morgue. im not asking you to do anything against the rules. just sit here and talk with me. ill tell you all about my harry potter obsession and how i think the angels have a great chance of winning it all this year. no, no. you dont need to check on that guy, i havent heard him breathing for hours. now tell me your name. is that hungarian? why is everything sounding like an bjork song all the sudden? you stupid bitch, you increased that drip so that i would pass out and you could go back to saving lives other than halfway fulfilling one of my sick erotic fantasies. well if the room wasnt getting so dark so fast i would swing this kendo stick right across youre wannabe Florence Nightingale tit you silly coooo.........

happy kendo stick thursday kids. im going to get absolutely tanked on painkillers and 7-Up. wish me luck. cheers.


Anonymous said...



Anonymous said...

Git yer update on, dude.