The Poor Man's Kerosene

i decided that it was worthy to do a tribute post to something that has had such a large hand in sculpting me into the person i am today. church? family? education? I'm talking about Ten High Unblended Bourbon Whiskey. an alcohol so frowned upon, the state of west virginia won't even sell it and they sell human flea collars (zing!). a whiskey so vile, not even John Wayne himself touched the shit. Ten High isn't even regarded as "bottom shelf", you normally have to ask your store clerk to go to the boiler room and look behind the slop bucket and soiled rags for a bottle of this snake oil. i tell you though, it is some good stuff, i use to be addicted to it. you can pick up a plastic handle of Ten High for about $9.99 (post-Vons club discount). how can you go wrong?

To best explain Ten High, think about that kid you had auto-shop with in high school. you'd go out on the weekends and always have a pretty decent time. yet somehow the night always ended up in an arrest, a donkey show or a back alley abortion. you still have his number, but you're wise enough these days not to use it.

The taste you ask? well i asked a few of my colleagues to do a taste test and here were the responses:
-"you're shitting me? this is diesel fuel. bolivian diesel fuel at that"

-"tastes like slavery"

-"holocaustlicious"

-"fuck! this tastes like shit!"

i prefer mine on the rocks, or if I'm really looking for a felony i can mix it with mountain dew and lose an appendage that way. i tried ordering it at a restaraunt once and the waitress looked at me as if i invited her to a bukkake party. its well frowned upon by most decent flora/fauna. but the real problem with Ten High is that it completely strips you of any rationalizations. you begin to act like a shaved koala(that's not really a comparison i just wanted to type "shaved koala" and hopefully your mental image of one is as funny as mine). for example, my cousin and i would get halfway through a handle while playing poker and anytime you had a hand with a "ten high" card, we would then go all in. see, exactly what a shaved koala would do in a poker game. so here's a list of things i have done/attempted under the influence of this most magical of elixirs.
- asked my roomate to punch me in the face
- engaged in a Wendy's double bacon cheeseburger eating contest
- declined the sexual advances of a girl because watching the Scott Bakula/Sinbad football classic "Necessary Rougness" (on vhs no less) seemed like the wiser choice
- bought a t-shirt at paul frank
- pushed my friend down a freeway offramp embankment
- attempted to operate a stationary bicycle
- lost a pinky toenail
- began pouring Ten High straight into my eyes believing it to be the "new way" to get drunk
- purchased more Ten High
- got fired from a job
- went home with a girl who at the time appeared to be Sally Fields circa Smokey and the Bandit (all time sexual fantasy by the way), only to realize in the morning she was actually the Nazgul
- attempted to add Slim Jims to pasta (not half bad actually)
- joined a 24 hour fitness
- got in a semi erotic kitchen floor fight that resulted in morningstar farms veggie sausage patties in my underwear
- decided to walk to work on my day off and ask my supervisor to give me a ride home because i was too drunk to walk (surprisingly not the same job that fired me thanks to Ten High)
- cleaned a carburetor with it
- asked a cop for a ride home
- re-enacted the final 20 minutes of "Platoon". myself playing the part of Tom Berenger, my coffee table the part of Charlie Sheen and the half eaten burrito on the counter doing an oscar-worthy performance of Willem Dafoe (even though he's not in the final 20 minutes of the film)

so there you have it, if you've never had the stuff i suggest you continue to live your untainted lives. if you insist on consuming it, use caution, i believe its filtered with Nevada silver mine well water. and if you pick up a handle anytime soon, please, call me up.