new year resolutions...

what a crock of horseshit. resolutions are the comparison of going to a strip club and getting a lapdance from an asian stripper, yeah, they sound brilliant at first, but after a few minutes you're going to realize that you should of just ponied up the 20 extra dollars and gotten the handjob from that blonde you went to high school with. wait, that comparison makes no sense, but its good advice next time you're at a titty bar. new years is horse hockey to begin with, because you should realize by now that the first day of the new year always starts off the same, with the worst hangover you're going to have for the next 12 months. i spent mine watching shrek 2 with my parents drinking from a bottle of bushmills. at some point i woke my father up around 2:30 am, completely blitzed out of my skull and told him he owed me some viagra from when i loaned him some.

father- "its 2:30 in the morning! what do you need viagra for? is some broad coming over?"

me- "no, i just want erection to prove something to myself"

he was obviously pissed about the wake up and told me to go to bed. so i continued drinking and watched the walt disney classic "sleeping beauty". that movie is the jam. the chubby fairy godmother is going to get it from me something fierce if we ever cross paths.

someone at work asked me what my resolution was, i told them it was to get a new job. i realized i had just jinxed myself. i have never kept a resolution. so this year i decided to make resolutions that i can actually keep.

2008 RESOLUTIONS:
- show up 15 minutes late to work everyday

- only speak to my supervisor in the 3rd person

- drink an unholy amount every other night and justify it by saying, "well, i only drink every other night"

- tell girls at bars that for a living I'm a professional chess player

- only watch porn that is dated 1999 and previous

- listen to the same music I've been listening to since high school

- spend $25 a week on burritos

- bitch daily about what the Angels batting order will be this year

- never get laid

I'm pretty certain i can hold strong to these. but knowing me I'll probably become a mormon this year and get a nose ring. I'm unpredictable like that, and by unpredictable, i mean predictable and drunk.