you know why? besides his silly hat, cock-gypsy vest and hammer pants, he's got the lamp! and i need that lamp right now, i need that blue robin williams fucker to grant me three wishes pronto. actually, one wish is really all i need. this is all coming about because earlier in the day i somehow got the john mayer gay national anthem, "you're body is a wonderland" stuck in my head. before you pass judgement on me too quickly, the reason i know the words so well is because of the video for this anal probing song. the video of course features my wife-to-be, jennifer love hewitt. oh j-love, how i yearn for thy bosom. I've probably self satisfied myself to j-love as much as i have to the pool scene in "showgirls" and any part in smokey and the bandit where sally fields is smoking a cigarette. but the problem with masturbating to this video is the obvious fact that when I'm touching myself the last thing i need to hear is john mayers voice. the only thing that kills an erection faster than john mayer is syndicated reruns of everybody loves raymond (i personally hate raymond and wish polio upon him). but i learned that if i watch the video on mute, listen to Blue Oyster Cult's song "godzilla" and choke myself out with a bra i stole from my ex-girlfriend, then YOUR body becomes the wonderland. or another i suggest is watching a vhs version "can't hardly wait" and hit fast forward. every scene with j-love in that baby blue tube top on fast forward makes her breasts much more bouncy and playful than you ever imagined. also on fast forward you can avoid any painful donald faison moments. although the band name of "loveburger" in the movie is pretty awesome. so I'm making blue robin williams genie grant me the wish of 'jennifer love hewitt-tex'. i get her as my wife, and that's all i need. i would spend long afternoons brushing her hair and watching wrestlemania 6, she would cheer on hogan while i wear ultimate warrior facepaint. when the hulkster loses i would console my beautiful wife by orally pleasuring her through the second half of wrestlemania 3. and this i would not mind, because my beautiful wifes vagina tastes like Werthers Originals candies. we would go on long romantic walks to BevMo upon where she would purchase me a bathtub of Macallan 20. she will watch Schindlers List with me topless and we'll always laugh at the same parts. her farts sound like Chopins 8th overture, and smell like cookie dough ice cream. she would finance my sports gambling habit, thinking its cute that i bet on the angels to win every game. we would create a drinking game that involves Pogs and when we got shitfaced we would video tape ourselves making out and send copies of the tape to my ex'es, after that we would prank call zach braff and tell him what an anus-wreath he is. we would sexually roleplay in the bedroom, i would play the part of the suave, smooth talking bail-bondsman and her the part of the desperate housewife needing to get her sexually inadequate, accountant husband out of the clink for some white collared crime. she would show me how to beat Super Mario Bros. 2 (topless). we would name our many offspring after every character on M.A.S.H. we would solve rubiks cubes in the dark. we would get a joint checking account that only involves her money (she doesn't want me to work, only to drink and make wild babboon love to her). i adore my beautiful wife.
its going to be a pretty sweet deal. now all i have to do is fashion a board with a nail through it and find that camel sucking aladdin.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment