top 10 list of most dangerous foods to eat while driving...

I'm sure you've all been waiting by your computers patiently. so let us wait no longer.

1. hot wings- i personally have operated a vehicle while consuming hot wings. i know the dangers. people give me shit when they say i go to hooters strictly for chubby girls in tight clothing, they are only 99% correct. they really do have the best wings around. curbside pickup is brilliant, get a 20 piece to go, eat 5 wings slathered in ranch before you even leave the parking lot. eat another 5 on the ride home, hop a curb, hit 2 cats and rear end a bmw M5. truly delicious and dangerous times.
2. artichoke- now, I'm pretty sure I've seen my own mother do this in a car. to me artichokes require a lot of concentration. its one of those "a lot of work for little reward" type of foods. like prawns or sex. I'd like to see you explain to a CHP officer that you were speeding because you were trying to get that furry, undigestable crap off so you could eat the heart. don't be a prick. don't drive and eat artichokes.
3. crab legs- one of the many reasons i don't go into the ocean is because fish fart in it. they also shit in it. you know what a crab likes to eat? feces and discharge of various farting fish. but I'm sure there's some asshole right now, driving his trust-fund Bentley to palm springs, snacking on some alaskan king legs, a saucer of drawn butter in the cup holder, and a leggy blonde pouring him a Macallan 25 on the rocks. what an asshole! (not that I'm jealous or anything)
4. corn on the cob- I'm pretty sure i want to do this one some day. corn on the cob is delicious. especially when purchased at a county fair from a man who grows and makes it himself, but due to lack of dental insurance can't enjoy his own delicassy. plus, imagine driving down the freeway with your elbows operating the steering wheel, with that cob up to your grill like you were playing a harmonica. good visual.
5. fondue- i might actually try to market this myself as long as that butt-koala, ron popiel hasn't done it first. imagine a fondue pot that plugs into the cigarette lighter of your car. imagine the dangers of hauling ass down the 405 with a pot of boiling cheese at crotch level. dangerous. plus, those stupid fondue forks are dangerous enough as it is.
6. dim sum- hmmm lets see. chop sticks+meat filled steamed dumpling+dipping sauce+5 speed Honda Civic= DANGEROUS!!!. no wonder asians are such bad drivers. (zing!!!)
7. oysters on the half shell- now I'm a big fan of driving and eating sunflower seeds. but i once heard a rumor that spitting sunflower seeds out of a moving vehicle is a ticketable offense. so imagine sucking down a dozen oysters and tossing those shells out of the window. when the local PD pulls you over and sees lemon wedges and a bottle of tabasco sauce on your dashboard, he will have every right to pistol whip the ever loving shit out of you. ill probably back him up when he makes you pick up every single one of those shells you shucked out the window at gunpoint as well.
8. corned beef on rye (specifically the one from jerry's deli with the cole slaw and extra russian dressing on it)- it is a hard sandwich to get a grip on to begin with. but why not eat it in rush hour traffic? I've attempted to eat it in so many other situations: job interviews, during foreplay, great grandmothers funeral, VD tests, etc...
9. cobb salad- basically eating anything while driving that still requires a fork, automatically makes you a total douche. something about a cobb salad just makes me want to punch myself in the throat. bitches who order this with the mindset of, "oh, better have a light lunch, ill stick with the salad". yes a salad. you ass-smokers. a salad that consists of ranch dressing, 2 pounds of processed meat, half a side of bacon and those anal nuggets referred to as bleu cheese crumbles. those little crumble shits would get everywhere in the car. just order what you really want, 3 pints of clarified butter. it would be safer to operate a vehicle anyhow.
10. brie and crackers- sweet jehovah! do i ever love brie and crackers. its like the classy version of a lunchable. all of that melty, mild flavored goodness, with some spreadable fruit piled high on a crispy carbohydrate round. but would i eat it while trying to find parking in san francisco? probably not the safest idea. plus if i had to explain to a Metro officer that i ran a red light because i was spreading preserves on a Breton whole wheat round with those cute little cheese knives, i would not be helping my status as a virile-straight male. god i love brie and crackers. i mean football.
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
- cornish game hen
- rack of ribs
- clam chowder in a bread bowl
- double double animal style from in-and-out (double asshole points if you order the animal fries as well)
- ice cream cone (seems innocent but actually quite evil)
- nachos
- any form of a pita sandwich