The only thing that happened all day...

and even then, the fact that this was my daily highlight is all the more reason that i need to do something this evening to redeem my lost 8 hours. so a male co-worker/total jackass walks up to me and asks if he can have a word. learning from past mistakes i politely nod and follow him to his desk where i find 4 other male co-workers.
jackass- "now, i just want to say that whoever used the bathroom last needs to admit to it. what took place in there was rude and unacceptable"
we all looked at each other blankly for a few moments, obviously we were all guilty of something that's taken place in the bathroom at one point or the other. i had a clear conscious, my phone was in my pocket so its not like someone found out i was gazing at porn in the stall. finally someone speaks up, "what are you talking about?". obviously he was guilty of something, probably not this crime however. knowing this clown-ass he probably left his rock tumbler plugged in overnight and was robbing precious electricity from work.jackass walks us towards the bathroom. at this point my mind was racing. what could it be? dirty joke written on the wall? i started sweating. cocaine trail left on the counter? my breathing grew rapid. dead hooker!? dead hooker!? please be a dead hooker! that would liven things up around here. jackass opens the door and one of the most evil smells hits us. the temperature raised a good ten degress due to this shitwave. it was bad, real bad. it reminds me of what i imagine satans college laundry hamper to smell like. we all scrambled away from the door and began to offer up our own descriptions of the smell. similar to that scene in 'anchorman' when paul rudd puts on the infamous "sex panther" cologne. only this wasn't sex panther. this would be known as "shit panther, with pieces of real colon in it". here were some rather distinct descriptions:-
-"it smells like when my dog had puppies"
-"its like he didn't flush, did anyone check to see if it was flushed?"
-"no way someone did that, the human body can't produce that much sulfur"
my personal addition to the odious comparisons was-
-"whoever it was, they were up late last night drinking a lot of gin and eating a lot of boiled cauliflower"
no one ever confessed to the crime obviously. but i want to know what jackass' intentions were. did he have a punishment lined up for the culprit? i guess we shall never know.