I'm totally going to beat the shit out of Aladdin...

you know why? besides his silly hat, cock-gypsy vest and hammer pants, he's got the lamp! and i need that lamp right now, i need that blue robin williams fucker to grant me three wishes pronto. actually, one wish is really all i need. this is all coming about because earlier in the day i somehow got the john mayer gay national anthem, "you're body is a wonderland" stuck in my head. before you pass judgement on me too quickly, the reason i know the words so well is because of the video for this anal probing song. the video of course features my wife-to-be, jennifer love hewitt. oh j-love, how i yearn for thy bosom. I've probably self satisfied myself to j-love as much as i have to the pool scene in "showgirls" and any part in smokey and the bandit where sally fields is smoking a cigarette. but the problem with masturbating to this video is the obvious fact that when I'm touching myself the last thing i need to hear is john mayers voice. the only thing that kills an erection faster than john mayer is syndicated reruns of everybody loves raymond (i personally hate raymond and wish polio upon him). but i learned that if i watch the video on mute, listen to Blue Oyster Cult's song "godzilla" and choke myself out with a bra i stole from my ex-girlfriend, then YOUR body becomes the wonderland. or another i suggest is watching a vhs version "can't hardly wait" and hit fast forward. every scene with j-love in that baby blue tube top on fast forward makes her breasts much more bouncy and playful than you ever imagined. also on fast forward you can avoid any painful donald faison moments. although the band name of "loveburger" in the movie is pretty awesome. so I'm making blue robin williams genie grant me the wish of 'jennifer love hewitt-tex'. i get her as my wife, and that's all i need. i would spend long afternoons brushing her hair and watching wrestlemania 6, she would cheer on hogan while i wear ultimate warrior facepaint. when the hulkster loses i would console my beautiful wife by orally pleasuring her through the second half of wrestlemania 3. and this i would not mind, because my beautiful wifes vagina tastes like Werthers Originals candies. we would go on long romantic walks to BevMo upon where she would purchase me a bathtub of Macallan 20. she will watch Schindlers List with me topless and we'll always laugh at the same parts. her farts sound like Chopins 8th overture, and smell like cookie dough ice cream. she would finance my sports gambling habit, thinking its cute that i bet on the angels to win every game. we would create a drinking game that involves Pogs and when we got shitfaced we would video tape ourselves making out and send copies of the tape to my ex'es, after that we would prank call zach braff and tell him what an anus-wreath he is. we would sexually roleplay in the bedroom, i would play the part of the suave, smooth talking bail-bondsman and her the part of the desperate housewife needing to get her sexually inadequate, accountant husband out of the clink for some white collared crime. she would show me how to beat Super Mario Bros. 2 (topless). we would name our many offspring after every character on M.A.S.H. we would solve rubiks cubes in the dark. we would get a joint checking account that only involves her money (she doesn't want me to work, only to drink and make wild babboon love to her). i adore my beautiful wife.

its going to be a pretty sweet deal. now all i have to do is fashion a board with a nail through it and find that camel sucking aladdin.

Ultimate Xmas...

how did i become the guy who had to come into work on xmas eve? i could be working a crisp buzz right now but instead I'm finding creative ways to lace my shoes at work. so the following is what i expect my xmas day to look like:

- wake up around 11 am with ZERO hangover

- look down and realize my penis has grown 3 inches (i believe in xmas miracles)

- rip bong that is conveniently placed next to bed

- ride segway from bedroom to kitchen

- mother hands me comically oversized mug of irish coffee and and a plate of "reubens benedict" (this a new creation of mine, how do you make a reuben sandwich better? slather it in hollandaise and a poached egg. that's how)

- check text messages while consuming 3rd reuben benedict helping
TEXT FROM:
-george clooney: "drinks 2night?"
my reply: "maybe"

-george lucas: "can i brrow sum moneyz?"
my reply: "no :( "

-clint eastwood: "u r badazz"
my reply: "k"

-brianna banks: "can i S ur D?"
my reply: "word"

-ride segway to living room, open presents, gifts include :
- unrated dvd collectors edition of 'showgirls'
- bottle of highland park 18

-feeling overly satisfied with gifts, ride segway to bathroom, drop a 2 1/4 lb. deuce while freebasing a dish of smoked almonds

-rip bong

-listen to bing crosby's rendition of "christmas in kilarney", have mother pour me a pint glass of scotch and sing the chorus with me duet style

-collect call jon voight at home and inform him that he is a cock-gypsy

-have mother make me a prime rib sandwich

-check email
email #1: job offer from espn college gameday asking me to be the lead color analyst (need to think about it)

- rip bong (undecided on job offer)

email #2: every single one of my ex-girlfriends contact me to let me know that i was a sexual tyranosaur and no men can compare and that they all are considering becoming lesbians unless i contact them.
consider which ones i should call back.

-rip bong (forget what i was thinking about. something involving college football and lesbian dinosaurs. what do i know? I'm fucking baked! do i smell homemade enchiladas?!!??)

-ride segway to kitchen. i did smell enchiladas.

-eat entire casserole dish of enchiladas

-call up jo rowling to wish her a happy xmas:
me- happy xmas jo!
jo- happy xmas tex! you are my inspiration for everything, this months royalty check is in the mail.
me- word, hugs and kisses, gots to get drunk

-read on espn mobile that the Angels signed Tim Tebow to play third base

-take 1 hour nap next to fireplace with my dachsunds and a bottle of purple drank

-get awoken by burt reynolds and jd salinger dropping off their xmas gifts of pepperidge farm baskets (they both got me the deluxe summer sausage and mustard set ones, gotta love those guys)

-intravenously consume a bottle macallan cask strength scotch

-have an imaginary conversation with frank sinatra and compile a list a cock-gypsys that him and i intend to pistol whip

-dress up like santa and drunkenly ride around the neighborhood on my segway handing out limited edition wwf action figures in original packaging to all the small children.

-get home, watch die hard and have fourth helping of reubens benedict

-rip bong

have a merry xmas friends, i hope yours is as good as mine is going to be.