who gets the kendo stick...

I'm not really a violent person. the two times i threw a punch in my life i ended up hurting my hand more than the victims face. that's why i stick to dropping elbows like real assholes do (ie: randy "macho man" savage). but this morning there is a shortage of coffee in the workplace and i feel like a sober dean martin. so i introduce you to the new weekly column, "who gets the kendo stick". for those of you not aware, a kendo stick is an eastern weapon normally referred to as a "shinai", "bamboo sword", "cane" or "fuck you up real good pole". the following people are in need of the kendo stick beatdown.

- obviously my supersivor gets the first beating. she's made smarmy comments to me in consecutive days. in exchange, i offer you a gift for your gross amount of disrespect. FACED BITCH! you get the first kendo stick beating, and it doesn't end with just you. oh yes, your husband, his pre-school teacher, your mailman, your cat, the cat next door that your cat has been fighting with at night, and whoever sold you your first big mac gets it as well.

- IT support guy. alright, there's a lot of reasons you should get one. perhaps because you whistle all day long and the only songs you know are "the star spangled banner" and "happy birthday". happy birthday? you're shitting me man. I'd presume you're a serial killer but i doubt that you are based upon the fact you wear scooby-doo themed ties with polo shirts. you also answer the majority of questions with "yeah baby" in an austin powers mock voice. and you're married, which means you're regularly having sex and I'm not. this kendo sticks for you asshole. and a second one is for your scrappy-doo necktie.

- Tech-Ops manager. strictly because everything that comes out of your mouth sounds like a fart through your shit eating grin. FACED BITCH! last kendo stick beating of the day.