Thursday, January 17, 2008

when bathroom nightmares become reality...

I'm blaming the faceless IRS and preparation of taxes on my lack of posts this week. I'm blaming my erupting asshole on 4 long islands and an empty stomach. earlier in the week my friend and i were talking about how miserable it is when a co-worker tries talking to you through the stall at work. completely innapropriate behavior in the workplace. that's my private time (albeit on the companys time), i don't come over to your house and ask how the day is going while you're fucking your wife/pet koala. but revenge was swift and sweet on this occasion.

setting: bathroom, 11:15 am. co-worker in next stall.

me: (furious long island iced tea crap {loud splashing noise})

co-worker: wow. that didn't sound healthy.

me: please don't speak to me when I'm taking a shit.

co-worker: jeez, sorry man. bad morning?

me: (silence)

co-worker: whatever.

i hurried out of the bathroom furious with the interuption of my bowel movement. plotting what path of revenge i would take. urinate in his coffee? stuff a dead hooker in trunk? swastika screen saver? but then i noticed the gods had already lightning bolted his monkey ass with the swift kendo stick of karma.

as i saw him walking back to his desk i noticed something on the back of shirt. i was overwhelmed with glee, for he had pulled the ultimate shit break mishap. there it was, as clear as day, big ol' skid mark on the lower portion of his tommy bahama short sleeved atrocity. obviously he was wiping in the standard upwards motion, must have dragged dookie from his own exhaust pipe and streaked it on his shirt. how long before he notices this? could be hours, could be all day, could be never. he'll be sniffing around constantly, wondering if he stepped in something, wondering if someone around him is cutting farts, etc.
now i know this has happened to the best of us at some point, for me personally it happened while i was shit faced, eating chili fries on the toilet at the johnny rockets in beverly hills. so i can sympathize with him. but, seeing how it is kendo stick thursday, ill let him figure it on his own.

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